Day 21 - Fear of looking stupid at work (Part 2)

When and as I see myself to go into judgment of another that I work with as more than or less than based on the position that I define them in (how much cash they have in their pocket) – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that when I judge another as more than or less than based on how I see their position in relation to my own on the corporate ladder, I am in fact placing a limiting definition on them, and at the same time placing limiting definitions on myself and ultimately locking myself into a state of complete denial to life as I only value money at this point and the abuse that it can help propagate.  I see/realize/understand that through defining value and worth of someone based on their position or ‘what they can do for me’, I confirm that I am fully automated and conditioned to only value those that I see can serve my self-interest, which is why those that I see as ‘low on the totem pole’ I value as less than and am not in such fear.   I see/realize/understand that I get scared of talking to those that I see are in more influential positions because I fear that I won’t climb the corporate ladder unless I impress them, and I fear not impressing my superiors or fear my superiors thinking that I am not of value to the company.  I see/realize/understand that I am equal to all of the thoughts/opinions/judgments towards others and when I judge and separate myself from them, I am in fact placing judgment on myself.– I commit myself to stop the judgement of another based on where I see their ‘height’ on the corporate ladder through stopping thoughts towards others in a moment and actually listening and really understanding what they have to say, no matter their position in this system.  I commit myself to investigate all of the ways that I deceive myself into believing that I am ‘better than’ or ‘less than’ another to eventually equalize myself within them in equality and oneness.  I commit myself to treat all others as I would like to be treated and fully consider them to support them and myself as best as possible.  I commit myself to investigate all fears that I have towards my ‘superiors’ and eventually equalize myself with them, to treat them as I would like to be treated, and not as a commodity to help me climb the corporate ladder to become ‘special’.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of another thinking that I am stupid, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am – I see/realize/understand that if I don’t get clarification on something such as the definition they give to a word or an acronym, I open the door for mistakes and inefficient use of time through miscommunications.  I see/realize/understand that to fully work together with someone and realize the full potential is to walk with a person on the same page.  I see/realize/understand that those to seek to understand another will also be understood and be heard in the end.  I see/realize/understand that the other person would most likely not believe that I was stupid and would in fact appreciate the engagement I was showing in what they were saying by seeking clarification to be on the same page.  – I commit myself to seek to understand another and get clarification on a definition or acronym that I don’t understand.  I commit myself to fully engage with another when they are speaking to me, with the full intent of understanding them and walking with them on the same page here in the moment.

Day 20 - Fear of looking stupid at work

 

I had a dream last night where I was in these meetings for some sort of project that was taking place.  And I was very eager to start talking to a few of the people about the project to get details, but when they would speak to me, it was like I wasn’t fully comprehending what they were saying, partly because they were using words that I had not heard before.  It was like I was trying to interpret in my mind these words that I had not heard before, and as I was doing that, I was missing out on the other parts of what they were saying.  I didn’t fully have the language understood, so the communication was not going entirely smooth.  Within this, I started getting confused and concerned that I wasn’t understanding, because it was part of the job I had been assigned to do.  I first thought ‘Maybe I don’t understand these words, because these people are from a different city than I, and they just use different names for the same things’, then I thought ‘maybe I am just really inexperienced and shouldn’t be in this role’. 

With the one guy I was speaking to, I just nodded my head, and pretended like I was fully understanding him, even though I wasn’t.  I didn’t want to make him think I was ‘wasting his time’ because I saw him as important.  This has happened to me in my job when talking to certain experts, when certain things that they say I just don’t comprehend.  And I don’t try to clarify most of the time, because I don’t want to sound stupid to them.  The thing is that, I won’t learn the definitions that they place on these words if I don’t ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that are more knowledgeable in a particular ‘profitable’ field and are able to articulate a broad range of ‘profitable’ knowledge and information quite fluently, as more than other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another that is able to articulate a broad range of knowledge and information beyond my level of understanding, instead of accepting and allowing myself to equalize myself with them by understanding the language and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I ask a question to someone I see as ‘higher up’ in the corporate ladder, clarifying what they understands a certain word to mean, they will get mad and this will solidify my inferiority.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if don’t ever get clarification from another as to what they are intending to communicate, then there may be miscommunication, which could lead to other consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am solidifying my position as less than, when I am getting clarification from someone I judge as more than, what a certain word or acronym means, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I have already established and solidified my own inferiority through previously separating myself from the other as more than, and asking a question at this point, does not solidify it any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those ‘higher on the corporate ladder’ that I admire and respect, as more than, instead of accepting and allowing myself to equalize myself with them, by being the living expression of the qualities that I admire within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a person as more than, if they are in a job position that is rare, like the CEO or Vice President.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that are in job positions that are privy to specific information that describes the health of the company as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those as more than, that are in positions within the company that are privy to specific new policies that haven’t been rolled out to the rest of the company.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that everyone in a company has a specific skill set and function that is required to make the entire company run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see those that have greater influence into the operation of the company, as more than, kind of like I see the mind at the moment, where if the mind were to quit then the functioning of the body would quit, when in actuality, if the CEO were to quit, the company could still exist, as everyone would continue on practically doing their function.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the function of the CEO’s and board of directors is similiar to the mind, where they function in directing the company in that which is in the self-interest of the company, and ultimately the shareholders, not taking into consideration what is best for the company as the stake-holders, which include those that live within the environment that is impacted or the actual employees that contribute to the functioning of the employee.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that most all companies act in the best interest of the shareholders, and that the board of directors and CEO, will act in the best interest of the shareholders before the stake-holders, which shows how the power and influence of money as the shareholders currently reign over that which is life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that money is the dictator of the actions of all that work for a company, instead of integrity for life. 

Day 19 - Escaping through video games (Part 2)

(For context, refer to Day 18 - Escaping through video games (part 1)http://corporatemercenarylife.blogspot.ca/2013/11/day-18-escaping-through-video-games.html#.UoOEWCdstAI

When and as I see myself go into guilt/regret for playing hours and hours of video games, as I feel like I have ‘fallen’, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that the past is the past, and if I make the present about the past, I am not really living here and am once again losing myself to the mind.  I see/realize/understand that I can’t change the past and can only move myself here as the present in what is best for all  I see/realize/understand that by continuing the cycle of guilt and regret, I solidify patterns within myself that ultimately create consequences.  – I commit myself to stop any guilt/regret for playing video games and apparently ‘wasting time’, and move here in the moment in the realization that by dwelling on the past, I take away from the opportunity here in the present to do what is best for all.

When and I see myself go into judgment of another for playing video games for more than a couple of hours straight, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that when I judge another playing many hours of video games, I am in fact judging myself.  I see/realize/understand that I have also played video games for hours on end.- I commit myself to support another that is playing hours and hours of video games, as I would myself.  I commit myself to stop judging playing video games as something inferior to do, as a waste of time, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that judgment of anothers way and ultimately accepting and allowing separation from another is the most abusive use of time.  I commit myself to support myself to stop the judgment of another that plays hours and hours of videogames.

When and as I see myself move to play a video game because of a hidden urge/pulling towards it, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that by following this urge/pull towards playing a video game, I am abdicating my own self-directive principle and have already come to the point of being a perfect mind-slave that moves purely through mind-made impulses.  I see/realize/understand that the more that I practice walking through the urges and remaining in the physical, the more I will give myself the opportunity to be the self-directive principle. – I commit myself to support myself to move past the thoughts/imaginations and urges to play video games.  I commit myself to play video games from the starting point of making a decision as myself here in the physical.

Day 18 - Escaping through video games

 

It has always felt like I am addicted to the things that allow me to escape from reality.  These days it’s the game ‘Candy Crush’ that takes me away for hours.  I just want to get to the next level and to move through the game so that I can get to the end.  Like a constant pushing, and if I ask myself why I want to push through, it’s like there is no answer.  It’s just to ‘beat the level’ and the faster I move through the levels, the more comfortable it feels.  If I get stuck on a level, and I am not playing the game, my thought goes right to it, and I imagine opening up the program and playing it.  Within this thought it is a subtle comfortable feeling that compels me to do exactly what I imagine myself doing.

In the past it was the same thing with other video games.  Constantly playing, and while my physical body barely moved, with just a few eye movements and controlled twitches from my thumbs, I would play for hours and hours, constantly feeding my appetite for ‘winning’.  The more winning, and progressing through the levels I did, the better I felt.  With each level, I notice that there were always a couple of goals.  One was to obviously achieve the main goal of getting past the level with enough points; and then the secondary goal was to try to achieve a certain amount of points, which would give you stars.  These stars are what I always would try to strive for as well.  It wasn’t enough to simply do the minimum.  Getting extra stars always made me feel that much more special.  It gave me a sense of superior accomplishment.  And I somewhat took pride in this.

I am somewhat embarrassed about spending hours and hours playing a game, and feel that I miss out on other things I could have done, like spending time with family/friends, or taking the dogs for a walk, or doing process.  And there is even some guilt in playing these games and not doing all that I can do for myself in what is best for all.

I remember my former roommate would spend hours and hours on a weekend trying to beat a game, and I would judge him for it.  I would think, ‘look at him – he spends all week working just so that he can escape into a videogame on the weekend.  He sits there inside on the couch when it is beautiful outside.  He misses out on life – and for that he is less than.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my former roommate is missing out ‘on life’ by playing video games all weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as less than, those that spend hours and hours playing video games all of the time, in the belief that ‘they are missing out on life’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as inferior for playing video games, I am actually judging a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as less than, for playing video games for hours and hours, shows that I act in fear and separation and am therefore not life at all, and am only directed within it through the force of self-interested fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I ‘don’t play video-games’ out of fear of missing out on life, I am in fact moving out of fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle in what is best for all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my imagination of opening up the program and playing video games, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle and decide for myself when I play video games and for how long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I play video games for not doing other things that I think that I should be doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve into video games when I want to avoid responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my life would be like if I followed through on my responsibilities all of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that carrying out responsibilities is not actually that bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, and the negative emotion of fear.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I carry out my responsibilities, they do not ever give me a negative experience, and can be quite enjoyable.

Day 17 - Believing in my 'gut feel' and runaway thoughts (opinionated character)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly place my FAITH in the religion of myself, without taking into consideration common sense and investigating things for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate to the fullest in the physical for definitive evidence everything that I have ever waged an opinion on through ‘gut feel’ and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that ‘things are not always what they appear to be in my mind’ as I have showed countless times, time and time again through imagining what other people that I haven’t met look like, or blaming others for their ill-intentions, only to find out that I was wrong, and ASS-U-ME-D my thoughts were correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ASS-U-ME the worst all of the time and dive into a frenzy of paranoia, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the opinion that I push onto myself and accept and allow within myself is simply an opinion and does not have any valid bearing in this physical word, but simply shows the extent of abuse that I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allow myself to see/realize/understand why it is that I accept and allow baseless ‘opinions’ to ‘MAKE-UP’ my beingness as a particular character.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the character that I am trying to protect through the fueling of my ruthless/ever-churning secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ‘Opinionated’ / ‘Blame’ / ‘Judgment’ characters to exist within myself as the prime example of the pure evil that I accept and allow within myself.

When and as I see myself take on an opinion of something through thoughts/backchat/gut-feel beliefs – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am – I see/realize/understand that I am in the process of acting out the ‘Opinionated Character’ in complete disregard to all that exist within my world.  I see/realize/understand that this character is adamant that it is ‘right’ and has the ‘right’ to believe that it is ‘Right’ through the narrow and limited viewpoint that I see the world in.  I see/realize/understand that in formulating an unwaivering opinion, through inventing a story, especially if it is accusatory and defaming towards others, is the opposite of life and shows the self-interested nature that I accept and allow in the moment.  I commit myself to stop these thoughts and take the time to investigate exactly what it is that I am protecting through the secret mind, through playing the opinionated character.  I commit myself to drop / ‘let go’ of my opinion, and stop any new formulation of opinions, without further examining actual proof, instead of re-Lying on a specific set of information from one source/viewpoint or my own baseless ‘Thoughts’ / ‘Backchat’.  I commit myself to walk in the wake of common sense here as that is what is best for all.