It has always felt like I am addicted to the things
that allow me to escape from reality.
These days it’s the game ‘Candy Crush’ that takes me away for
hours. I just want to get to the next
level and to move through the game so that I can get to the end. Like a constant pushing, and if I ask myself
why I want to push through, it’s like there is no answer. It’s just to ‘beat the level’ and the faster
I move through the levels, the more comfortable it feels. If I get stuck on a level, and I am not
playing the game, my thought goes right to it, and I imagine opening up the
program and playing it. Within this
thought it is a subtle comfortable feeling that compels me to do exactly what I
imagine myself doing.
In the past it was the same thing with other video
games. Constantly playing, and while my
physical body barely moved, with just a few eye movements and controlled
twitches from my thumbs, I would play for hours and hours, constantly feeding
my appetite for ‘winning’. The more
winning, and progressing through the levels I did, the better I felt. With each level, I notice that there were
always a couple of goals. One was to
obviously achieve the main goal of getting past the level with enough points;
and then the secondary goal was to try to achieve a certain amount of points,
which would give you stars. These stars
are what I always would try to strive for as well. It wasn’t enough to simply do the
minimum. Getting extra stars always made
me feel that much more special. It gave
me a sense of superior accomplishment.
And I somewhat took pride in this.
I am somewhat embarrassed about spending hours and
hours playing a game, and feel that I miss out on other things I could have
done, like spending time with family/friends, or taking the dogs for a walk, or
doing process. And there is even some
guilt in playing these games and not doing all that I can do for myself in what
is best for all.
I remember my former roommate would spend hours and
hours on a weekend trying to beat a game, and I would judge him for it. I would think, ‘look at him – he spends all
week working just so that he can escape into a videogame on the weekend. He sits there inside on the couch when it is
beautiful outside. He misses out on life
– and for that he is less than.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to believe that my former roommate is missing out ‘on life’ by playing
video games all weekend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge as less than, those that spend hours and hours playing video games all
of the time, in the belief that ‘they are missing out on life’.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see/realize/understand that in judging another as inferior for playing video
games, I am actually judging a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to separate myself from.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see/realize/understand that in judging another as less than, for playing
video games for hours and hours, shows that I act in fear and separation and am
therefore not life at all, and am only directed within it through the force of
self-interested fear.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see/realize/understand that when I ‘don’t play video-games’ out of fear of
missing out on life, I am in fact moving out of fear, instead of accepting and
allowing myself to be the self-directed principle in what is best for all as
life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to follow my imagination of opening up the program and playing video games,
instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle and
decide for myself when I play video games and for how long.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to feel guilty when I play video games for not doing other things that I think
that I should be doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to delve into video games when I want to avoid responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to fear what my life would be like if I followed through on my responsibilities
all of the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to fear the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed
through on my responsibilities’, instead of accepting and allowing myself to
see/realize/understand that carrying out responsibilities is not actually that
bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through
on my responsibilities’, and the negative emotion of fear. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed
myself to see/realize/understand that when I carry out my responsibilities,
they do not ever give me a negative experience, and can be quite enjoyable.
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