Day 58 - 'You're not hearing me!'

For context, please refer to the last post:

Day 57 - 'You're not hearing me!'

In the last post, I looked at all of the things that I was blaming my partner for doing and took responsibility for each and every one of them, because why else would I blame another person, if not to distract my attention away from the nasty things that I was actually doing.

So they were:

1) I am not actually listening to her 100%, and really only hearing what I want to

2) I am actually believing that my opinion is the RIGHT one, and she is WRONG, unless she conforms her beliefs to my opinions

3) I am taking her reactions towards me personally

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not actually fully 100% listening to my partner, and only hearing the things that I want to hear from her.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully listen to my partner and the words that she is speaking to me, so that I could at the very least understand where she is coming from and get on the same page as her, so that an agreement may be possible.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I use blame towards my partner, so that I will distract myself from seeing the terrible habits that I perpetuate.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that that in which I blame my partner for, I am actually doing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I actually believe that the opinions that I hold, that are solely based on my own perspective, which do not take into consideration any other perspectives, are the RIGHT opinions and actual truth as to the way something or someone should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for being 'self-interested' and believing that her opinion is the RIGHT one, and that my opinion on something is the WRONG one, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that even before going into a conversation with my partner, I have already convinced myself that my own opinions are correct.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I get defensive when I don't agree with my partner when she tells me 'the way I should be' , because it goes against or challenges the Rightness of my own opinion of 'how I should be'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my opinions are always RIGHT, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that my opinions only consider my own self-interest and do not take into consideration anyone else's perspective.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to place myself within my partners shoes and to actually take their opinion within myself from there viewpoint.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the only way that I can come to an agreement with my partner is if I place myself within my partners shoes and look at it from their perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when my partner doesn't listen to me, and instead tries to attack my credibility somehow.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I take things personally, I in fact am going into a character of 'victimization' from the starting point of self-interest and trying to get sympathy, which prevents any communication.'

To be continued...

Day 57 - 'You're not hearing me!'

My partner and I have been getting frustrated at each other. It's like we get into this polarity where things are really fun and loose one moment, and the next moment they tighten up when we get on to a 'serious' topic, such as 'how each other should be' in this world, especially how we should be around our unborn baby.

It goes into this conflict, where we are both adamant that our opinions and perspectives on the subject are correct, and we are so frustrated at each other, that we don't even bother to listen to the other or take their consideration into perspective.

From my perspective, I get offended when she tells me that I'm not listening to her, and then I blame her for accusing me of not listening, because I think that what she's really trying to say, is that I'm not 'conforming' to her opinion, which is the apparent RIGHT opinion and I'm always WRONG', and so I judge her as selfish and unwilling to actually listen and take my perspective into consideration. I feel like I'm not being heard.

Within this, I go into the reaction of getting defensive and frustrated. I shoot back at her in close to the same tone, which probably doesn't help any matters.

Really, I just want her to listen to my perspective and be heard, which is exactly what she wants.

So how do I better communicate with her, so that we can come to an agreement?

The most obvious things that I can see I need to change are:

1) I am not actually listening to her 100%, and really only hearing what I want to

2) I am actually believing that my opinion is the RIGHT one, and she is WRONG, unless she conforms her beliefs to my opinions

3) I am taking her reactions towards me personally

To Be Continued...

Day 56 - Asking for a Raise

In talking to my Human Resources Consultant at my company, I found out that I may actually be due for a promotion at my company, based on their guidelines that they provide for managers and leaders.  I was told though, to speak with my leader and talk to him about this.

Immediately, I went into fear about having to ask my boss for a raise.  In a way, I was scared that I would be 'rocking the boat' or appearing to greedy and 'less of a team player' for asking for more compensation.  So then, as if automatically, I started going into my head, and playing out a fake conversation with my boss, almost trying to prepare a long winded speech of how I have such and such experience, and such and such education, blah blah blah etc. etc... Is this the most effective way to prepare for a promotion?  Really, its just a matter of communicating with my boss in the moment and as just another person that I work with.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into internal conversations of 'asking my boss for a raise and subsequent career development' within my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I have internal conversations within my mind, it shows to me that I in fact am generating internal conversations through a starting point of fear, as if I don't trust myself be able to effectively communicate with my manager in the moment and so must prepare in the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that communicating with my boss from the starting point of fear and accepting and allowing automated internal conversations that I'm not directing, shows to me the separation I have from my boss in the physical and therefore will ultimately not be able to communicate effectively with my boss when the time comes to actually do it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that unless I communicate with my boss practically in the physical, free of fear, he will not be able to hear me, and will thus not be able to support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fearing of talking openly to my boss is 'normal', instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that an equal and one relationship with solid communication here in the physical, free from any fear, expressing myself as who I am, is ACTUALLY NORMAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'being in fear during a meeting with my boss, and then being rejected or dismissed by him as 'not valuable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'being in fear during a meeting with my boss, and then being rejected or dismissed by him as 'not valuable', and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'not pleasing my boss, and then him developing a negative impression towards me, preventing me from any chance of getting any promotions'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'not pleasing my boss, and then him developing a negative impression towards me, preventing me from any chance of getting any promotions' and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'greedy' for asking my boss for a promotion, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that if I don't ever have this discussion with my boss, I will not get any understanding as to whether or not a promotion is possible.

I commit myself to stop all internal conversations with my boss when I see them come up in the moment, and instead communicate with my boss in the physical as the expression of who I am.

I commit myself to stop any projections of ideas, imaginations and backchat related towards any meetings and encounters with my boss.

I commit myself to stop and breathe through any fears and anxieties that I may have in relation to thoughts of talking to my boss, and realize just where exactly I am in the particular moment, moving myself back to reality.

I commit myself to ask myself the question, through writing, of why I am asking certain things from my boss, to discover my own intentions and whether or not they are reasonable, so that I can come prepared in honesty to answer these questions of intention back to my boss, to help give him the perspective from my shoes.

Update (March 22nd - 2014):  I stopped the internal conversations when they came up, stopped the imaginations of what it would be like, and asked myself what my intentions were, and if it was reasonable for me to even ask for a raise.  

The next day, I walked into my boss's office, and had much resistance to asking the question outright.  But I did it anyway with as much stability as I could muster.  I was prepared to go into  a long winded spiel of why I deserved a raise, and to my surprise, he looked very intently into my eyes and after a few long seconds simply said 'I have no objections to that'.   I found it very hard to restrain from going into my spiel anyway, but stopped myself.  He said okay.  I said 'Thank-you' and walked out.  It was a good conversation.

Day 55 - Character Development through seeking validation from others

For context, please refer to:

Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

Day 54 - Character Development through positive re-enforcement

When and as I see myself seeking validation and positive re-enforcement of others, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that I have chosen this specific person to get validation and positive re-enforcement from them in complete self-interest, for if it weren't to somehow gain, then it would not matter who in the world I would need to get positive re-enforcement from. I see/realize/understand that I choose this person to get validation from, because I judge them as more than. I see/realize/understand that I have separated myself from this specific person that I am attempting to seek validation from, and am not in fact having an actual relationship with them, but instead attempting to full-fill my self-abdicating self-interest to 'feel good'. I see/realize/understand that in attempting to get validation, positive re-enforcement from another, I am in fact exposing that I live in separation from my own self within 'lack', as I apparently am not full-filled within myself and must seek my happiness externally in separation. I see/realize/understand that by defining my happiness and full-fillment in getting validation from others, through trying to please them, I am in fact severely limiting my expression and dancing around any disagreements or potential conflict that may need to be worked out. I see/realize/understand that avoiding conflict, to 'keep the peace (piece)', only serves to maintain that separation and real relationship with another person and the actual expression of myself. I see/realize/understand that under the pretenses of avoiding conflict, any abuse is allowed to proliferate as it will be kept unchecked. - I commit myself to investigate the reasons why I have decided to choose specific people to please, and why I would try to protect a certain 'nice guy' or 'pleasing' image to them. I commit myself to be aware and stop any deliberate acts of attempting to please another being for the sake of my own validation and positive feelings or protection of an image. I commit myself to develop a dialogue and an equal relationship to the other person that I seek validation from. I commit myself to face the conflict in my world, and resolve any disagreements, so that I can expand myself and my relationship with others in equality, for a world that is best for all.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of another judging me as being less than, I stop and I breathe, and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand firstly that I have not equalized myself to this person and am living in separation with them through judgment of them as more than. I see/realize/understand that in judging them as more than for specific attributes, I am in fact showing myself how I have judged others in my life as less than, for appearing to not have those same attributes. I see/realize/understand that I am in fact living out and becoming that in which I have judged, the polarity boomeranging back and forth, between 'more than' and 'less than'. I see/realize/understand that unless I do not equalize myself with all others in my world, I will continue to boomerang back and forth, back and forth between the judgments of myself compared to others as 'more than' and 'less than'. - I commit myself to stop the constant rattle of the mind that would try to wonder, then predict, then worry what another may be thinking and judging of me, in the realization that I am in fact participating simply in my own thoughts/projections that I have created, and it would actually be impossible to know just what they may be judging of me, unless I was fully in their shoes and their mind. I commit myself to stop the projections of myself being more than, or less than another in a certain situation, and instead, stop and breathe, and realize that I am here with this person as myself, as I am seeing them and interpreting them through my own mind, in the realization that any judgment/separation of this other person as my own interpretation serves only to create the platform of that in which I will later live out, which shows that I really do not have self-directive principle over my actions and instead live by the movement of the boomerang of polarity. I commit myself to investigate relationships that I have created in polarity with others in my world, to see where I have abdicated my living in favour of the boomerang of judgment.

Day 54 - Character Development through positive re-enforcement

For context, please refer to:

 Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have designed my personalities throughout my life to be a somebody or to be noticed, to get attention from others in a positive way in order to feel special that I was acknowledged.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within this desire of acknowledgment from others in a positive light, I am showing to myself that I actually exist in a form of lack in believing I'm a 'nobody' if I don't positive re-enforcement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far for positive re-enfocement that I would need it, like a drug, after not having it for a certain amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my happiness and well-being within how much positive re-enforcement I get from others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I shape my personalities in certain ways in order to get positive re-enforcement from specific individuals, hand selected by me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I hand select those specific individuals I look to get positive re-enforcement from.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the individuals that I choose to get positive re-enforcement from, are those that I judge to have more value than others within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and separate myself from those that I choose to seek positive re-enforcement from, judging them as more than and special as compared to other people.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in separating myself from those that I seek positive re-enforcement from, I am in fact not having an actual relationship with them and am only 'acting' in certain ways out of fear that I will be seen as 'a nobody' and therefore will not have any value as I place my value within the way that 'I believe' others see me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is really no way I can actually know how another sees me unless I was completely in their shoes, and thus my perception or reality as to how they see me, matters not because its only a wild guess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-occupy myself with how I believe another person sees me, and if they judge me as more than, or less than.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the way 'I believe' another sees me and judges me, is based solely on how I see other people and judge them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I judge another as more than or less than, I am actually placing judgment on myself, and ultimately separating myself from them, and other people that 'I believe' are judging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that 'don't follow the rules, and don't care' as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'facing conflict with an enforcer, for not following the rules'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'facing conflict with an enforcer, for not following the rules', and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I go int fear, guilt or shame of breaking rules, I am actually creating conflict within myself, thus the manifested conflict in the physical ensues.

Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

In the past, I have always wanted to be special, ever since I can remember. Whether it was having some kind of toy that nobody else had, or being the smartest kid at something, or having a talent that was better than another, those things that I saw that set me apart from other kids, are what drove me to do the things that I did.

And what was interesting is that there was a couple of times in school, where I changed schools and would try to redefine myself to the way that I saw the 'cool kids' at my previous school.

For example, in Grade 1-3, I was in a class that seemed to have a lot of 'trouble-makers'. Even though it was a catholic school, the kids in the class seemed to be extremely bad, at least compared to the next school I went to, where the kids seemed a bit more likely to play in a tamer way. At the catholic school, we would hit each other, and even had a rock fight where a kid was hit in the back of the head and had to get stitches. It was impressive. And I always felt that the 'baddest', most defiant, fearless kids were also the coolest.

So when I went to my new school in Grade 4, I decided that I would try to emulate the 'badness' so that I could separate myself from the other kids. And so, got into a lot of trouble. Most of the things that I did, was really about trying to push the boundaries and the teachers buttons. And it felt good. I showed the other kids that I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble and I felt like I got a lot of positive attention for that.

When I went to my next school in Grade 7-9, I was intent on carrying on this personality of being defiant and 'bad-ass' (in my mind), and what was interesting was that I found that there were way badder kids than myself, that would cross lines that I didn't even know existed. It was like a huge step up, and one that I was not willing to take. I learned that I had boundaries. So I had to adapt and started creating other personalities like being a class clown, and using my talents in sports and academics to get attention and acceptance. All of this again to set my self apart from others as someone special.

Now the pattern continues to this day, always trying to set my self apart from other people and be special or more than. Trying to be the best worker, constantly trying to strive towards being a boss, as being in that kind of position is unique and holds power. Now you will always have the 'last say', with your opinion mattering the most.

Day 52 - Abandoning trust

Currently I am walking the Desteni 'I' Process course, which is unlike any course I've ever been involved with. It's great because 'its all about ME' lol. The assignments have a general outline, which show me how to learn about myself..

What I am realizing, is that I have created a great deal of patterns in the way I live my life. People say that we are creatures of habits, and I think that's true for all life that exists on earth. Animals hunt in the same places and we all do the same things. This helps simplify life in a way, like when we need to get food for instance, we just do what has worked in the past, like go to the grocery store, and more often than not, we will just buy the same things, because it worked out last time. There might be a few tweaks here and there, but generally for most people, life ticks along in a predictable way.

So one of the patterns that I noticed in myself was the way specific way that I would act when possessing or owning something that I absolutely loved and cherished. And then the nastiness within myself that would ensue when that ownership was threatened by another person.

The pattern I noticed was first started out by getting a positive feeling in 'owning' a particular object. And this usually happens to most people when they go to the mall, and see something they like, and just have to get it. What I realize, is that within that positive feeling, I have mistakenly 'full-filled' myself and believed that I am not better off for having this object, and in a way I have created a self-definition based on the ownership of the product. Having it in 'my possession' and having access to it exclusively whenever I want somehow can create this warm full-filled feeling.

Then comes the threatening of it being taken away. If somebody came along and asked to borrow this cherished object, right after you just bought it, there is always some form of hesitation and resistance to that I notice. Whether its a new cell phone, new car, or anything that you have defined as being 'valuable', fear automatically will come up. And why? ...Because we do not trust most people to take care of our possession. It's a fear of loss essentially, and usually that fear of loss is more powerful than actual common sense. In other words we automatically think 'the worst' will happen. What if this? Or what if that happens? And we are unwilling to take the chance, even though the odds are extremely low that something would happen. And because of that, we make the agreement with each other, that I will have my own, and you will have your own. And the end result of nobody trusting each other, is a whole lot of redundancy.

I see this redundancy in everyday life, with things like door-locks and even a lot of work positions at my company. We hire contract analysts to get better deals on products and services from sellers, because we don't trust that we will always get the best price from them. From past experiences, I see this is true with contractors that take advantage of situations if not held accountable. And so the employee, adds the role of 'vigilante' to protect the company's interests, which are profit of course. If we are able to stop the siphoning of money from the company, or even improve upon the siphoning of money from others, we are considered valuable. That is how our value is assessed.

I act the same way as my company in that I am always trying to stretch my dollar and protect my money so that I can have more for less. And this self-interest is the root of the breakdown of trust and why we accept every redundancy like a door-lock to protect the things that we believe are rightfully ours, when in the beginning they originally came freely from the earth and are made of the same substance as our own bodies. The trust will only be restored, when stop the value of ourselves in what we apparently own, and instead start valuing life before it dries up.

There is a group that is taking on this epidemic of self-interest and can support a person to seeing their true potential as life here, so if you're interested in discovering who you actually are, what are the reasons you are here and why do you do the things you do, click here.

Day 51 - Imagining Hollywood and the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (Part 3)

backstage behind the hollywood sign its not so glamorous

For context check out.

Day 49 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Day 50 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (part 2)

This blog will be dedicated to self-corrective and self-commitment statements to be walked from here forward until a world that is best for all has been created.

When and as I see myself start to go into imaginations of Hollywood and what it would be like - I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that by going into glitzy imaginations of Hollywood, I am in fact masking the actual reality of both Hollywood and the world around me, through the mind, and am thus contributing to the epidemic of abuse towards those struggling with hunger, through apathy and distraction. I see/realize/understand that by going into imaginations, I am in fact choosing to turn away from reality here and a part of myself that exists, yet don't want to face. I see/realize/understand that my imaginations of Hollywood are not what Hollywood is actually like, and have only created these images through past portrayals of Hollywood in movies that are not in fact based on actuality,and are portrayed in such a specific glamorous way to cater to the imaginations of those this wished to be fueled to escape reality and the responsibility that comes with it. I see/realize/understand that movie and television studios have a vested interest in which parts of Hollywood are portrayed and how, and so may not in fact show the true nature of what Hollywood is, because it doesn't align with bringing in profits.  I commit myself to stop any imaginations of Hollywood and the glamorous/sexy lifestyle I imagine it to be. I commit myself to focus on what is here as reality and take the time that would have been spent fueling the imagination of the mind and do something that is best for all, such as writing myself to freedom or participating in the Living Income Guaranteed group or doing something that is practically needed in my life. I commit myself to stop the belief of what Hollywood actually is, based on the limited amount of images that I am able to see, in the realization that a movie and television studios have a vested interest in preventing people from stepping back stage, in order to convince the average person to believe something is more glamorous than what it actually is.

When and as I see myself moving to fuel the imaginations I have of Hollywood by surfing the web or channel flipping trying to find shows or read stories of the rich and famous - I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that every moment I fuel the mind and its imagination, is an abdication of self as I am giving into an addiction of seeing that which is apparently beautiful and sexy. I see/realize/understand that the fueling of the imaginations through addictively feeding the mind with scanadalous and glamorous stories build on the ever increasing consequence by keeping myself apathetic to the slow self-destruction of my own life and that of the life of others. I commit myself to make the decision in the moment to stop fueling the imagination of what a lifestyle is like to live, through a picture representation of it, and instead do what is best in the moment until a world that is best for all has been created. I commit myself to stop channel or web surfing looking for the lifestyles of the rich and famous, and move as the self-directed principle in what is best for all.   I commit myself to stop participation in the Hollywood fantasy and instead place my focus on what is here in the moment in what is practical.